Menage a trois
by Shadowborne
Summary: Ron does the Stupidest Things, episode one: In which Ron finds out just how bad it is to take Fred and George's advice while not having a clue what they're on about.


Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all characters related belong to formerly glorious JK Rowling, who would still be glorious had she not broken our hearts, and her writing ability, with book six. The situation in this fic, however, is a by-product of my seriously screwed up mind, which is my intellectual property.

"Ménage a Trois!"

It was only sheer luck that Harry and Hermione had only been raising their glasses to drink, rather than actually drinking from them, otherwise, they were certain, the pumpkin juice would have ended up anywhere other than their stomachs. As it was, the sudden stop threatened to spill the juice all over their homework.

A quick glance proved that it was, indeed, Ron who exclaimed those… interesting words, and a secondary one also showed that they were alone in the common room. Thank god for that. The last thing they needed was more rumours concerning the three of them and the possible relationships between said group.

"I... I beg your pardon, Ronald?" Hermione was certain that she had misheard him. Ron couldn't be suggesting what she thought he was, could he? He'd never shown any interest… well, maybe in her, but never sharing with Harry! Or, possibly worse, sharing Harry with her!

"Ménage a Trois!" The redhead's pronunciation was a bit off, but the words were understandable, and more than slightly worrying. "I asked Fred and George, and they suggested it!"

"Fred and George suggested it? And you agreed!" Harry was shocked near mute. You disagree with the twins on principle, no matter what it was they said. Unless it was quidditch. But them suggesting… and Ron listening? What was the world coming to?

"Well, it sounded brilliant!" The two brunettes balked at this. "I mean, it's French, so it's fancy, and it suits us!"

"Suits us?" Hermione's eyebrows were raised so much they were no longer visible under her hair. He thought that they fit like that? Admittedly, a great many other people agreed, but for Ron to…

Overcome with an inner chill, she shook herself to remove the images.

"Well, yeah." He had the… the audacity to look surprised! As if they would agree on principle! "I can't believe you haven't figured it out already, Hermione. You're always the one who knows so much. I asked Fleur, an' she said ménage means household. And we're like a family, so that works. And Trois is French for three, even I know that, so there we go. Ménage a trois."

Cue collective sigh of relief.

"I mean… Everyone was just calling us 'the trio'. It's boring! So I was trying to figure out a new name for us. I was just wandering around talking to myself, but all the names I came up with were crap! But the Fred and George showed up, and asked what I was doing…"

"Ron." Though her tone started as definite as ever, both the boys could hear the tremble in her voice. "While… _that _may literally mean Household of Three… colloquially, it, um… it means something quite different." Blushing furiously, she couldn't say anything more than um or ah, until she was interrupted.

"Hermione?" Harry looked as uncomfortable as she felt right then, but also more determined as well. "I'm just gonna go over here and have a… chat, with Ron. K?"

Nodding her assent, Hermione watched as Harry gently led their confused best friend a short distance away, glancing back at her every so often. She could feel the heat coming from her face and knew just how bad she had to be blushing. She also knew it was just going to get worse when…

"It means _what_!" Yes sirree, blushing factor x 100. A quick look over showed Harry trying to shush Ron, but once Ron gets an idea in his head, it's hard for him to keep quiet about, much less change it. "But that's! That's… Actually, I can sort of see that."

_That _did it. The pumpkin juice was not as fortunate this time.

Nor was the homework.

Quickly mopping up the mess, she glared over at her two boys. What in the world was Harry telling him? She'd thought he was going to set Ron straight, not give him ideas!

However, Harry looked as red as her own face, and was frantically whispering to Ron. The redhead seemed puzzled, but then nodded slowly. "Oh, I getcha now. So that's what they…" He stopped and blinked, as his two best friends could literally _hear _the click when Ron caught on. "_Bloody hell! _So that's what they meant! They were… They were…"

_Whisper, whisper._

"Wha? All three? But why would…?" All three? What could that possibly mean? What in the world was Harry telling him, because as far as she could see, Ron had already had too many ideas put into his head today. "Oh. Well, I suppose it could work if they were all _that way_, but I didn't really need to know that, Harry."

Just as Hermione was certain she hadn't needed to figure out what they were talking about.

"I'm merely making sure that you were well informed this time, Ron. I don't want to have a talk like this again with you, so it seemed best to get it out of the way." The boys were making their way back to where Hermione was sitting, certain that she would remain this red for the next week, at _least!_ She studiously ignored them, and their questioning glances at her slightly orange parchment, shuffling her books and pretending to read notes.

"Hermione?" The girl in question nodded, keeping her eyes on the paper, yet inclining her head slightly to indicate that she was listening. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean what you thought I meant… but then, I didn't mean what I thought I meant either. And I'm not making much sense." Out of the corner of her eye, she could see him biting his lip, a habit he must have picked up from her. "Let's just leave it at 'I'm sorry' and I'll go have a talk with Fred and George."

Turning her head to watch him walk out of the common room, she shivered at the thought of what could have happened had just _one _more person been in the room at that point. Feeling Harry coming up behind her, she released the breath she had been holding for what had to be the past five minutes. "We are sooo lucky that we were the only ones here."

While he was blushing as badly as she was, she would swear under oath that she could _hear _him grin. "Indeed we are. Another rumour about a relationship between the three of us would be more than I could handle." Wrapping his arms around her from behind, he blew gently in her ear. "I think this is all the relationship I can handle, right here."

Giggle. "_Harryyyyy!"_

AN: And thus concludes the first episode of 'Ron Does the Stupidest Things.' Stay tuned for next time, when Ron proves it isn't only children, but idiots as well, that fall in love with giant purple… things that bounce and sing songs. Bye bye now.


End file.
